Well, here I am three kids later and at the end of my rope. Physically, my body seems to handle pregnancy quite well, although the thought of delivering any more babies makes me cringe. The whole process, including recovery, is painful and becomes more painful with subsequent pregnancies. Emotionally, I am a wreck. My hormones have sky rocketed and plummeted almost constantly since Enoch and I married. I've been either pregnant or breastfeeding (or both) from one month into marriage until now. That causes frequent emotional outbursts. The kids are constantly getting yelled at, which usually results in me crying. My poor husband comes home from a long day's work and has to deal with his feisty Irish/Cuban wife always ready for a good argument. Oh, did I mention how my brain has ceased functioning? Or what about the fact that I'm tired? I cannot tell you how many times people have told me to enjoy each moment with the kids, because they grow up so fast. I am mentally well aware of that, but because of the above mentioned conditions I have a hard time doing so. Don't get me wrong, I love them with all that I have, but that doesn't mean I enjoy my daily shouting matches.
Where does this leave us for the future? We made a decision not to have any more children. We really don't know what will happen. Maybe we'll have an "accident" some day. There is always the possibility of adoption. Who knows, we may even change our minds. Whatever the case may be, I know there are still people who think the way I used to. I am comfortable with the idea of others judging us for our decision. Right now, the only approval I'm concerned about is the Lord's. I have peace with our current decision and I don't think it's unbiblical.
On another note, my throat hurts today because of how loudly I screamed at my kids. I know that's not how I'm supposed to treat them, but my emotions got the best of me today. It's okay, I understand if you decide to judge me for this, I know I'll do the same some day, too.
Recipe for Cole Slaw
- scant cup of mayo
- 1 tbs sugar
- 3 tbs lemon juice
- 1/4 tsp salt