Thursday, March 22, 2007

Judge not, lest ye yourselves be judged.

I used to think that it was wrong for married people to prevent pregnancy. I still do to some extent. I often passed judgment on other couples: "Why didn't they start having kids yet? Or why did they stop? Don't they know children are a blessing? A reward? A joy?" I thought that it was all a matter of trusting in the Lord and most people simply had the wrong priorities.

Well, here I am three kids later and at the end of my rope. Physically, my body seems to handle pregnancy quite well, although the thought of delivering any more babies makes me cringe. The whole process, including recovery, is painful and becomes more painful with subsequent pregnancies. Emotionally, I am a wreck. My hormones have sky rocketed and plummeted almost constantly since Enoch and I married. I've been either pregnant or breastfeeding (or both) from one month into marriage until now. That causes frequent emotional outbursts. The kids are constantly getting yelled at, which usually results in me crying. My poor husband comes home from a long day's work and has to deal with his feisty Irish/Cuban wife always ready for a good argument. Oh, did I mention how my brain has ceased functioning? Or what about the fact that I'm tired? I cannot tell you how many times people have told me to enjoy each moment with the kids, because they grow up so fast. I am mentally well aware of that, but because of the above mentioned conditions I have a hard time doing so. Don't get me wrong, I love them with all that I have, but that doesn't mean I enjoy my daily shouting matches.

Where does this leave us for the future? We made a decision not to have any more children. We really don't know what will happen. Maybe we'll have an "accident" some day. There is always the possibility of adoption. Who knows, we may even change our minds. Whatever the case may be, I know there are still people who think the way I used to. I am comfortable with the idea of others judging us for our decision. Right now, the only approval I'm concerned about is the Lord's. I have peace with our current decision and I don't think it's unbiblical.

On another note, my throat hurts today because of how loudly I screamed at my kids. I know that's not how I'm supposed to treat them, but my emotions got the best of me today. It's okay, I understand if you decide to judge me for this, I know I'll do the same some day, too.

Recipe for Cole Slaw

Whisk together:
  • scant cup of mayo
  • 1 tbs sugar
  • 3 tbs lemon juice
  • 1/4 tsp salt
Toss in one 16 oz bag of shredded cabbage. Refrigerate for 1 to 24 hours.


dave & rachel said...

Oh, Michelle! I know that we haven't met, but my husband knows your husband...and I just wanted to say that I so understand and appreciate your honesty. Motherhood is the hardest job you'll ever love. But there are definitely moments when "love" is not what you're thinking about!

I want you to know that I have been praying for you this morning. My heart just goes out to you. One thing I know though...the Lord wants to help you through this difficult stage of life. I'm praying that He'll encourage you today.

Thanks for linking to my will be fun to keep up with your family too!

God bless!

Grace Powell said...

Michelle, I appreciate your honesty too. I think God is ok with birth control or He wouldn't have given us a predictable cycle. If you choose to use some modern form of it (hormones/condoms) you are merely taking advantage of the cumulative knowledge He gave man the ability to use for good. That way, when an 'accident' happens, you know it is truly from God!

glassgirl said...

Hey Michelle
I didn't know you had started this blog, til you commented on my story about Willik and added your link.
On the birth control issue, you know what Fab and I think.
I do think the decision you've made, to stop for now is very wise. And I think you'll see yourself getting back to the Michelle who is mom and something more. I'm excited to see it happen. And I think that your kids are blessed to have a mom who loves them enough to examine herself, and think clearly about her choices. God made us to be free thinkers, who trust him. Yeah God!!!